Episode 50: Shame-Free Masturbation

Hey, y’all! I’m Ev’Yan Whitney and welcome to The Sexually Liberated Woman.

If you haven’t heard, the month of May is international Masturbation month, and I don’t know about you—maybe it’s just the sex positive sexuality educator bubble I’m living in—but it seems like everybody and their mother is talking about masturbation right now. And I’m loving it.

I mean, if you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while you know that I’m pro masturbation. I believe that the sexual relationship we have with ourselves is the most important sexual relationship we’ll ever have, and I think that nurturing that relationship is crucial if we want to journey on this path of sexual healing and liberation.

But. . . not everybody masturbates. For some people, it’s just not their ministry—like, it’s not something they like to do or that their body enjoys. And there is no shame in that. Period. For others, they don’t masturbate because the shame they’ve accumulated over years and years of being told that it’s bad or wrong stops them from being able to fully go there. Or maybe it’s not just shame, maybe it’s also the trauma they’ve experienced or maybe they’re placing a lot of ‘shoulds’ on themselves about how their masturbatory practices need to look like—it needs to have a vibrator, it needs to be done without any sex toys, it needs to result in orgasm every time, etc.

There can be a lot of mental chatter and emotional gunk attached to masturbation that I think gets brushed to the side during a month like this where everything is just like, “Masturbation, yeah! Let’s talk about our favorite vibrators and celebrate how much we love giving love to our bodies!” And today, I wanted to give some encouragement to the people out there who have a complicated relationship with masturbation, one that is laced with shame and maybe even a little fear. So that’s what we’re going to get into.

One of the most common things I hear from folks who don’t masturbate and wish they did but can’t seem to because of shame is the religious story they’ve been taught about it—that masturbation is sinful and should be avoided lest you wish to burn in the fire and brimstone of the core of the earth. Even as I say that out loud I’m like, “This sounds ridiculous”. But if this is a story you’ve been told during your formative years of your personal development like I have, this shit will stay with you in a habitual way. I mean, I was raised to believe that sex with myself is a perversion, that dirty thoughts are wrong, and that Jesus wouldn’t masturbate so I shouldn’t either. I no longer subscribe to those particular stories, but the underlying shame they are intended to activate are still with me—I mean, not so much that it prevents me from masturbating. I feel like my desire to pleasure myself is often stronger than the fear of patriarchal god that these stories mean to imprint upon me. But it’s taken years (YEARS) for me to get to that point.

Another thing I hear a lot in my work is that folks don’t masturbate (and wish they did) because they’ve been told that they need to save all of their sexual energy for their partner; that having sex with themselves violates the sexual fidelity that they’ve pledged to their boo. Now, I’ll be honest and say that I heard this a lot growing up, particularly in my teens, and I thought this story became extinct because it’s just so silly. However, I was doing an interview the other day and I was asked “What do you say to people who are afraid to masturbate because they don’t want it to take away from their partners?” And I just. . . I was astounded that this falsehood still exists!

So I’m saying all of this to get to this point which is that often what’s holding us back from fully engaging in a healthy self-pleasuring relationship with ourselves is the stories that we’ve been told (or have been telling ourselves) that deter us from it. And the way we can begin to engage in a healthy self-pleasuring relationship with ourselves is by 1. challenging and releasing those bullshit stories, and 2. embodying new ones.

And this can work with any stories you have that are preventing you from nurturing your solo sexual relationship. Like, maybe your story is that being with your body by yourself in such an intimate way freaks you out, or that you don’t feel like you can access masturbation because of the sexual trauma you’ve experienced or because of the way your body looks. Whatever is blocking you, I think that the tips I’m going to share here can help dissolve them and make accessing your sexuality at your own hands easier and more enjoyable.

And because I’m going to be giving you some tools, maybe pause this episode and get a pen and a paper so you can take notes. Or, you can come back to this episode when you have a moment to sit down and really dive in.

OK, so how do we challenge and release these bullshit stories preventing us from having sex with ourselves the way we want to. Well first, we need to get really clear about what those stories are. So the first step is inquire within and closely examine your negative notions about masturbation.

What stories do you have about masturbation? And where did these stories come from? Who put these ideas into your head and body? Can you pinpoint where it all began?

Now, answering these questions can be challenging to confront because I’m willing to bet their origin stories aren’t cute or fun to look at. But getting to the root of where these falsehoods come from will help you in the process of uprooting it. You can pull a weed from the stem if you want, but it’s only going to keep growing. You gotta get at the root. Not only does that help eradicate the old stories in your way, it also helps you in planting new seeds and intentions for what you want to believe instead, giving them a strong foundation to grow on.

So, if you want to begin to feel good about masturbating, sit with those questions and with yourself. Make note of what comes up, what memories surface, what other stories offshoot from that original story. Because this shit goes deep, a lot deeper than I think many of us realize and it’s important to take the time to understand where it’s coming from.

OK, after you’ve identified the story or stories, after you’ve gotten to the root of what they are, it’s time to go a little deeper and ask, “How does believing in this story about masturbation or self-pleasuring show up for me?” Like, since I’ve held this story as truth, how has it prevented me from having the kind of self-loving experiences I want to have? How has it affected the way I show up for sex with other people? Because let me tell you—these yucky stories don’t just show up when we’re by ourselves naked in our beds. They absolutely come through when we’re trying to have sexy times with other people. Perhaps not in the same ways, but they show up.

So. . . how does believing in the old stories you have about masturbation affect you? How does it affect the way you see your own body and sexuality? Again, take some time to process through your answers and notice what comes up. All of this is information. It’s not meant to be judged, just observed. This information will go toward helping you create new stories.

Next, ask yourself the one question always stops my bullshit stories in their tracks. Ask, “Is it true?” As in, “I have this story that says masturbation is sinful. Is that true? Do I believe that masturbation is sinful?” 

An interesting thing happens when we ask ourselves this question: We have the opportunity in that moment to call bullshit on it. Because we’re often going with these stories automatically, habitually, not really giving pause to whether or not they’re things we believe with our whole hearts. By asking this question, we basically asking, “I know that I was told this but do I believe it to be true?” Often, the answer is no.

Now sometimes, after asking that question, “Is it true?”, we might answer “Yes.” And once more, we have the opportunity to debunk that: “What exactly about this story is true?” And “Who or what is served by my believing that that is true?”

I should say here that this line of inner question can be really intense so don’t go too hard on yourself to have a definitive answer. Just know that you just posing the question to yourself is initiating healing. The answer doesn’t matter as much as your intention to answer the question.

All of that said, once you know intuitively that the stories that bring you sexual shame aren't true, you can make an active choice to not believe them.

Which brings me to my favorite part of this process which is creating new intentions and choosing what you want to believe in instead. This is where you get to dream, where you create new stories about self-pleasuring that celebrate, liberate, and bring exploration to your radiant sexuality and erotic expression.

Because yes, you get to choose what you want to believe in place of those old stories. You can choose to see your sexuality as lightness, as heathy, as holy and safe. So, what do you want to believe instead? And in particular, what do you want to believe about masturbation?

Maybe it’s that self-pleasuring is a beautiful gesture of the love you have for yourself. Maybe it’s that masturbation is the practice by which you safely and consensually explore your sexuality. Maybe it’s that this is just another way for you to show intimacy and care for your body in a world that is constantly trying to dislocate you from it. Whatever it is, write it down in affirmation form—starting with ‘I’ or ‘My’ and writing them in the present-tense. As in: “I masturbate to give my body care and love. I masturbate to nourish a relationship with my pleasure. I masturbate to connect to my erotic power.” Things like that.

If you don’t do anything else within this process, please take some time to write out some intentions or stories that you want to believe about masturbation instead. And this doesn’t just have to apply to masturbation. This can apply to every aspect of your sexuality and identity. 

OK, the last step of this process is the most important and that is simply to begin embodying these new stories, to live them out and practice with your actions what truths you want to be led by instead.

Now, obviously, choosing to masturbate is one great way to live out these new stories. There’s nothing like giving those old stories the boot by doing precisely what they’ve demanded that you not do for all these years. But only if it’s done with intention. And as Goddess Lula Belle says, “Do nothing without intention.” 

This is where your new intentions and stories you’ve created in the previous step come in handy; the next time you masturbate, say these intentions before, say them during, say them after. Say them when you’re not masturbating; like, say them when you’re twisting your hair, when you’re walking your dog, as a prayer before you go to sleep. I believe that affirmations are spells that we cast to bring in the vibes and energy we wish to attain, and for this specifically, affirmations are spells that we cast to bring in liberation and healing of our sexuality.

One final tip: Make gentle, loving, non-sexual touch a habit. Sometimes a thing that's keeps us blocked from accessing a healthy sexual relationship with ourselves is how lofty touching ourselves can feel, especially if we’ve never done it without those stories of shame. So start to get really familiar with the feel of your body with your own hands and establish new connections with your body outside of a sexual context.

. . . 

Well okay, my friends, that’s all I have today. I hope that this was helpful for you and helps release shame not just from your self-pleasure practice but from all areas of your sexuality. And if you ended up trying this process, let me know how it goes. You can always send me an email at evyan@evyanwhitney.com. I’d love to witness what came up for you.

Happy self-pleasuring!

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This podcast is produced, edited and designed by me Ev'Yan Whitney. Find me on my website evyanwhitney.com and on Instagram @evyan.whitney to keep up with me and my work. The Sexually Liberated Woman is made possible with community support from each one of my very special patrons on Patreon.

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