Episode 33: Sacred Sex With Your Vibrator

[ PROMO ] 

[00:00:00] Ev'Yan Whitney: This episode of The Sexually Liberated Woman is brought to you with special collaboration with Wild Flower sex shop, a digital sex shop that offers innovative sexual wellness products in a sex positive and educational environment.

 [00:00:14] Take 15 percent off your order with the code "liberation" at wildflowersex.com. Get yourself something nice, maybe something that vibrates, and prioritize your pleasure.

 Okay, let's start the show.  

[ INTRO WITH EV’YAN ]

[00:00:37] Hey everyone. I'm Ev'Yan Whitney and this is The Sexually Liberated Woman. Today we're going to be talking all about sex toys and the harmful teachings about sacred orgasm and sacred pleasure from fake and phony sex positive teachers. But before we go deep into all of that I first want to give some shout outs. Every episode I highlight all of the people who are supporting The Sexually Liberated Woman. People who are giving this podcast literal life with their precious coins via Patreon.

[00:01:40] So shout out and big love goes out to Zoe, Mike B, and Savannah L for becoming brand new patrons of The Sexually Liberated Woman. Thank you so much you guys it means so much. And if you want to support The Sexually Liberated Woman, go to patreon.com/slwpodcast and become a patron. By becoming a patron, you help cover all the cost of operating the show. The hosting fees, the equipment, paying my lovely editor and also compensating my transcriptionist which, I don't know if that is a real word but I'm going with it.

[00:02:24] And in exchange you'll join my community of rad sex posi folks who are on this journey of sexual liberation just like you are. You'll also get 15 percent off all of my courses, exclusive sneak peeks of upcoming episodes, and a shout out on the show. So if you want to take this relationship to the next level with me, go to patreon.com/slwpodcast and make it official. Become a patron. And thank you.

[00:02:59] OK. So if you've been listening to The Sexually Liberated Woman for a while now, you've probably heard me mention a company called Chakrubs. They have those crystal dildos I'm always inviting you to try at the top of the show. And as great as my amethyst wand is and as much as I love my rose quartz dildo, they're not the only toys I use to get off. So let me back up a bit.

[00:03:28] A few years ago after having this really interesting conversation with a friend about the evils of getting off with the help of vibration, I weaned myself totally off of my vibrator and trained myself to get off with just my fingers. And it was really liberating after years of feeling like a slave to the pulsations of my little pink bullet, it was really freeing and actually really intimate to be able to bring myself to orgasm without the use of a battery operated device.

[00:04:03] And because my orgasms felt juicier and more full bodied, I vowed to never use vibrators again. Which is when my deep love of Chakrubs entered into the picture. But fast forward to around this time last year when I realized that I wasn't masturbating. Like at all. And not because I didn't want to. I really really wanted to but because of how busy I was with work and other things going on in my life masturbation took a major backseat. I just didn't have time. Not just because I was busy but because when I really sat down and thought about it, the masturbation routine that I had grown accustomed to, the one where I would use coconut oil and my rose quartz dildo and candles and music, it took quite a bit of time. Like a lot of time. Especially after a long day when I was stuck in my head all day because I was using it for work. It was hard to get back into my body enough to access an orgasm quickly.

[00:05:11] There would be nights where I would just want to get off so that I could have that delicious release and go to sleep. But because it required me to do this full on ritual I would often just go without. And then realize three months later that I hadn't had a self pleasuring session in weeks. So I went to She Bop, which is a really rad woman owned and centered sex shop here in Portland, and I bought a vibrator. And I masturbated every day for two consecutive weeks.

[00:05:47] I say all of this to be really transparent with you, and say that one of the lies of sexual liberation that I really bought into was that the best kind of orgasm, the only kind of orgasm, is the one you give yourself either by penetration from a penis or with your own fingers, without the use of an aid like a vibrator. And that belief is really really dangerous. I see that now. But there are still a lot of people out there, a lot of air quotes sex positive teachers and educators, who are teaching otherwise. This kind of hierarchy when it comes to sexual pleasure is a trap that I've fallen into in my sexual liberation journey. And it's something that I'm still trying to unlearn today. Even when I take out my vibrator to get me to have an orgasm if I haven't come during sex with my husband.

[00:06:44] So to bring to light a harmful and completely untrue notion that sex toys and vibrators aren't the best way to sexual enlightenment, and to also celebrate the many beautiful playful ways of accessing sexual pleasure, I invited Amy Boyajian of Wild Flower sex shop to talk all about sex toys with us. How they can be used in the same sacred way with the same kind of ritual and intention as an amethyst wand. She shares with us how she went from a professional dominatrix to being a sex shop owner and gives us a glimpse of some of the toys that are currently rocking her world right now. We also go deep on fake ass sex positive companies and sex educators who tout things like feminism and sexual freedom in their ads and instagram captions, but they're really just using those words to get you to buy their mediocre products. And that's all tea, all shade. Anyway, enjoy this conversation between me and Amy. May it inspire you to whip out your sex toy or buy one for the first time and get yourself off today.

[INTERVIEW WITH AMY BOYAJIAN ]

[00:08:04] EW: Amy I'm so excited to have you on the podcast. Thank you so much for coming on and chatting with me.

[00:08:10] Amy Boyajian: Yeah Ev'Yan thank you so much for inviting me I'm really excited about this.

[00:08:14] EW: Yeah me too. I loved what we did in New York. Like being a part of the Wild Flower Sex birthday celebration was so fun and after that event I was like, oh my god I would love to have Amy on so we can talk sex toys. And you know I'm really actually curious about how you started your sex toy business. Yeah so how did, how did you get started with Wild Flower sex shop?

[00:08:39] AB: So Wild Flower, I feel like it really came from like a very transitional stage of my life. I decided to stop doing sex work. I had gotten so burned out doing it. It's a very difficult job and you like take on a lot of energy from other people. And you support a lot of people. And I felt like I wasn't really supporting myself. So my mental health was suffering. So I was like, okay, I don't think I can do this much anymore, or at least need to take a break. I also didn't like that I— I loved working in like sex and pleasure industries. I feel like that's kind of my calling. But I didn't like that the people I was predominantly working for and interacting with were only rich white cis men. You know I wanted these like vibrant queer communities. But the people who I was really serving was just that type of person.

[00:09:39] So I was looking in a way of like expanding that. And I was also— I just got into a new relationship. So I hadn't really dated anyone for a long time. I'm sure anyone who's done sex work knows it can be very difficult to date while you're doing it. Not just like finding partners that understand the work and respect it, but also just time. It's like a different kind of schedule. And then just being like, you know, your own business owner you just don't have time to date and interact with people that way. So I was in a new relationship and I was going through all these transitions and my partner was super supportive and saw that I wasn't really happy and needed a new direction. So basically just allowed me to have some space to figure out what I wanted to do. I knew I still wanted to be in like the sex and pleasure industries. I feel like that's my area of experience and expertise. I definitely still wanted to help people with their sexual lives but I was trying to think of a way of doing it on a more like larger and more inclusive scale, not just the people who could like afford to hire a dominatrix. Which is like a very small group of the population.

[00:10:55] So one of the ideas was selling sex toys. I interacted with sex toys a lot with my work and personally, and I know that they can be really helpful to individuals and partners from finding your orgasm to making sex more exciting. Even like accommodating people with disabilities, like sex toys can be pretty transformative. So I started looking at the sex stores that I frequent, whether they be like physically or online, and started noticing things that I necessarily didn't like. A lot of sex toys are— aren't body safe. And there's no regulations on that. So retailers don't have to offer you body safe toys. Toys were divided on like a gender binary. Like here is the male section and here is the female section. I didn't really like that because not only does it like leave out a giant group of people who aren't on that binary, but also like it would be like all lingerie on the female side. And it was almost like sexuality wasn't for you but for somebody else.

[00:12:09] And then there's obvious things like there's tons of sex toys and products out there that are sexist and transphobic and racist. And you would just see them on the shelves and I'd be like how is this— this feels like the only industry that this is allowed to happen. So from there I started to envision what a store might look like. And that's where Wild Flower started to form. And it was just basically like what would I want to offer people. And the most important things aside from the products were education, information, and a sense of community. I felt like those things can be really really hard to create around sex and sexuality and it can be really like scary for a lot of people when you're navigating it, when you have like no information and, you know, nobody who can be supportive. Or a space online that can be supportive. So I wanted to create that.

[00:13:08] So it's supposed to be part sex toy store, part information resource. So you can come to us and buy a product, you could come to us and absorb a bunch of information and not buy a product, or you could do a little bit of both. And I wanted to create that in a way of like making sex less scary, opening up the conversations around sex and just like inviting it to be part of people's lives. Like you know a website that they visit, you know, every week to like check what's new. To learn something new, as opposed to something that they like visit in the dead of the night when nobody's looking. I want to create something that's like fun and inclusive and talks about all kinds of aspects of sex whether they be the good ones or the not so good ones. And you know carry on my participation in trying to make all of that stuff more accessible to people.

[00:14:10] EW: I love that. And I can really tell that like your mission and just like the foundation that you've created, it just feels so good. Like it is so inclusive and it is very mindful of language. And it also just feels like really— it just feels really like safe to access. And also like not— I don't know there's something very cheesy I think about some of the sex shops that I've been in, both like in a physical space and also in a digital space. Like it can feel really cheesy, it can feel just like— I don't know there's just this weird vibe that I can get. And I don't get that vibe. Especially when I was at the event. You know? I mean I've been to events where they have had, you know, sex toys on the table and you're talking about them but like there's just an energy that you— I don't know there's just such a vibe about you that makes it feel inviting. It makes it feel like warm. And just like not corny. You know?

[00:15:20] AB: You can't tell but I'm like blushing. I'm like oh my god thank you.

[00:15:24] EW: No it's, it's so good. And like one of the things that I was going to tell you is that I, as I'm sure you can imagine, I get hit up a lot by a lot of sex toy companies or sex shops who want me to like be affiliates for them or buy stuff from them. And I'm always kind of— I always turn them down just because like I'm really picky about the type of people that I want to be affiliated with. And then also again like a lot of these shops are really cheesy or like they just look like the design is really bad, like it's not very inviting. And I actually wanted to ask you like, because there's so many sex shops out there, like so many, what makes you different from other sex shops? Both in the physical space and also in the digital space.

[00:16:18] AB: I think it has a lot to do with our ethics and the way that we built the company. Like it was a hard decision whether to start Wild Flower or not because I'd lived so much of my life being like, "Fuck the man I'm never going to like participate in this." And then I just realized it got to a point where it was hurting me more than it was helping others by doing that. So I was like, how can I create a company that participates in the capitalist society, but creates a new idea of how we should operate businesses? I don't like the idea that businesses are more important than people or that we look at businesses and we don't see the people behind them. You know what I mean? Like we don't— we think, "Oh this company did this." It's like well, that company is made up of a group of individuals who, you know, chose to do that.

[00:17:14] Some of the big ideas I really tried to incorporate into Wildflower are transparency, vulnerability, and honesty. Like these are— those are three of the biggest things, lessons, I feel like I've had to learn in my life. And they've been like the most transformative for me. So I wanted to extend that into the store. So I wanted to be really open about who I am, who Wild Flower is, and what our intentions are from day one. So whether that be like selling toys that are safe and high quality products in an ethical way.

[00:17:51] So that means I'm like trying out all the toys myself. I'm not just like thinking like, "Oh that's fine, someone will buy that." I want people to actually have a really good experience. I think about that every time I like pack up an order and send it off. I'm like, "This is going to like make someone happy." And I think about that every single time. I would never want to like put my name or the Wild Flower name on something that I wasn't proud of. You know?

[00:18:17] Another part of that is like having hard conversations with companies we buy from and people we work with when we find that they're doing something that's like ethically wrong. Or something not aligned with what our ethics are. That's something I was like, from day one I want to make sure that like I am always picking people over profits. Because that's what's important. I feel like that's why we have difficulties, especially in America, because we've chose profit so much before people, you know.

[00:18:54] And it can be really— I can see now that my peers and like all these other, you know, sex toy companies that we're being surrounded with and being compared to. I see the temptation. I really do. I see this like, "Oh if you could just do it this easy route then you could make triple the amount you're making." Or you could, you know, or you do this and you can reach a ton of people, but you're doing something that people wouldn't agree with. Or is harmful to people. Or it's, you know, getting publicity or a paycheck that's like hurting other people.

[00:19:30] And I guess I was just so sick of that and seeing that so I just wanted to make sure that like, yes I'm a business owner but I'm also a woman. I'm also a queer person. I'm also an immigrant. I'm also an ex sex worker. And I'm an activist. And that is part of who I am and part of who Wild Flower is, even though those conversations are super difficult to have. Like I cringe every time I'm like, ugh I'm gonna have to like send this email and be like, "Hey can you explain this? Or talk about this?" I just like have to remind myself that I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make change. Wild Flower is about seeing something that we didn't like in the preexisting industry and being like, "Let's figure out a way to change it."

[00:20:16] EW: Yeah.

[00:20:16] AB: I'd probably say that's probably the biggest difference from a lot of the digital sex shops. Like I don't think many companies set out with the, you know, especially online with the idea of like, how can somebody come to our website and access a bunch of information and learn about who we are before they buy from us.

[00:20:38] EW: It's so, it's so refreshing to hear you say all of these things. I feel like there has been kind of an insurgence of radical transparency with businesses. I feel like the company Everlane started to make that pretty popular you know because like their motto, their mantra, is radical transparency. And I've been noticing that other companies have been doing their best to follow suit and to capitalize off of that. But like I don't know if they're actually being radically transparent. I think that— and it's so funny how that works. Like how you can be faux radically transparent. But like you can just, you can sense it. You can sense it when you know there are people who just want for you to buy their product and—

[00:21:22] AB: Yeah and there's a bunch of buzz words you can throw out. You can throw out feminist, you can throw out self—love and inclusion and equality. Like you say all these words—

[00:21:31] EW: Mmhmm.

[00:21:31] AB: But it's like, what do you actually do that supports these ideas? You know like— it's sad when companies like use those words as selling tactics as opposed to actual foundation for how they act.

[00:21:48] EW: Right. And it gets so popular and so popularized that those words lose meaning. Like I've been thinking about the word self love and self care recently and how self care is, and self—love, as a concept is completely being capitalized on right now. To the extent where like I'm seeing it in language like at Target and stuff like that. And so it's making me wonder like, do those things even have meaning anymore? Or are companies just, you know, attaching themselves to words that we as a collective are using that means something to us, but they're trying to like get us to buy. And get us to see them as people who are, you know, advocates for self care or advocates for diversity or advocates for like sex positivity and things like that. And the truth is that like that's not always the case. You know? It's so easy especially online to make yourself look like somebody that you're not. And I've had experience with this with quote unquote sex positive people on the internet who, when you really peel back the layers, are actually not very sex positive. They're actually you know they— what is it, what’s it called? A sex worker exclusionary radical feminist. SWERFS?

[00:23:12] AB: Oh, we can have a whole conversation about that. Oh my god. So that's the thing too is like a, you know, the whole idea of like "sex positive" too I feel like that also has been used a lot.

[00:23:25] EW: Oh my god yeah.

[00:23:26] AB: And kind of like thought of in an incorrect way sometimes. Like sex positive doesn't mean that you like walk around naked and have sex with everyone and like you're, that's the way that you live your life. It's like no. Sex positive can mean being asexual. Sex positive can mean—

[00:23:46] EW: Yes.

[00:23:46] AB: Having sex when you want to have sex and saying no when you don't. Yeah maybe you only want to have sex once a year and that's fine.

[00:23:52] EW: Yeah like I've met sex positive people who are celibate. Like, you know?

[00:23:58] AB: It's more to— it's not so much to do with how you choose to live your own sexual life. Much like a feminist, it's not how you choose to like have your body hair however you want, you can have your hair on your head however you want. You can make money in different ways. It's more to do with how you facilitate the choices for other people. You know? You're allowing other people to live their lives how they want. And not saying, "Oh you should do this and you should do that."

[00:24:30] I think that's a thing too especially in, I probably want to say more in a sex educator realm. It's interesting for me coming from being a sex worker and then going into being a sex educator. So I'm not a sex worker anymore but I have that experience. And it's just very interesting the way that some sex educators talk about sex work, about you know perpetuating different ideas around sex that are harmful. You know? We've talked before about things like sex toys being negative or like you're supposed to like— this is the way you're supposed to have an orgasm. Or this is the way you're supposed to have sex. Or this, you know, it's like all of that is very sex negative.

[00:25:23] EW: There are so many people out there, still, which is really surprising to me I thought that these people would have kicked rocks a long time ago. But there are so many people out there who are billing themselves as being sex positive, as being sex educators, and I see this a lot in like the spiritual sacred sex realms. You know, people who are doing tantra and you know things like that which, I mean, don't even get me started on that. But they say these things like, you know, the real way and the enlightened way to have an orgasm and to experience pleasure isn't through vibration. Isn't through a dildo. It's through like you know having actual like penis and vagina sex between you and your partner.

[00:26:10] And I'll be very frank and real and say that there was a part of me when I was starting to get into this work that kind of bought into that. You know the idea that like yeah sure you can get off with a vibrator and that's great. But the real way to experience sexual pleasure and the real way to be sexually liberated is by being able to get yourself off just by thinking about having an orgasm. You know and like sure that can be one manifestation of sexual release. But I think it's incredibly dangerous, and I believe this wholeheartedly today, it's incredibly dangerous for us to tell people that the best way, the most enlightened way, the most sacred way to experience sex and pleasure is sex and pleasure that doesn't include sex toys. Or sex and pleasure that doesn't include vibration. And the thing that it reminds me of is, who was it? Fuckin’ Freud? Who said that like women and people who have like vaginas and clitorises like if they're receiving pleasure through clitoral stimulation and they orgasm through clitoral stimulation, that's an immature orgasm. Like Freud was on record as saying things like this. And so it's crazy—.

[00:27:25] AB: I'm like, was Freud talking about his own clitoris?

[00:27:29] EW: (Laughs) Of course not.

 [00:27:31] AB: Right? Like wherever that information gathered from like—.

[00:27:36] EW: Right.

[00:27:37] AB: It's so wild. Yeah. Like this whole idea of like only certain ways being sacred it's just like perpetuating this— all these exclusionary ideas. You know? I think accessing your sexuality and making it a priority is a sacred thing. It doesn't matter how you do it.

[00:27:55] EW: Yeah.

[00:27:55] AB: Yes our bodies are similar, but we're all built slightly differently and we all respond slightly differently to different types of sensation. So these ideas that there are only one sacred way— and to me, sacred is very very similar to the ideas surrounding like purity—.

[00:28:16] EW: Hmmmm.

[00:28:16] AB: That circulate around virginity and stuff like that.

[00:28:21] EW: Oh my god yes.

[00:28:22] AB: Purity kind of like makes me feel weird in like this, well that feels a little bit racist and that feels a little bit sexist. And it's definitely these ideas of, oh, only if you have penis in vagina penetration. Well that leaves out a lot of queer people. That leaves out a lot of trans people. That leaves out a lot of people who are disabled and are not able to have that experience. Like it just, it's very— it's creating like a hierarchy in this like sexual world that we're trying to get rid of.

[00:28:59] EW: Right.

[00:28:59] AB: You know? Like if you can't climax from just your hand, that's fine. If you can't climax from your partner and you having sex without any aids or toys or whatever, that's fine. Like accessing your orgasm and accessing pleasure to me is the sacred thing.

[00:29:21] EW: Yeah. Ugh I talk about this so much with clients who come to me with those same, I guess, conundrums of like, oh yeah I can only have an orgasm through my vibrator. Why can't I come when my husband is like fucking me with his penis? And it's like well, can we talk about the fact that you're having orgasms through your vibrator? Like that's pretty rad, you know. Like sure, maybe it could be cool to have an orgasm with your partner when his penis is inside of you and it totally is a really incredible experience. But like this hierarchy that we have that like, you're not sexually liberated— I even heard people say that you're not a full sexual woman unless you have had an orgasm through vaginal like penetrative sex alone. Which, I mean, if you do any like research about the way that the vagina is made, like we don't get any fuckin’ pleasure! Not necessarily— I mean that's— OK. I will backtrack. Some people do get pleasure. But like—

[00:30:26] AB: Most people with vaginas don't get pleasure from penetration alone.

[00:30:30] EW: Yes exactly.

[00:30:31] AB: It's like a really harmful idea and there's also ideas like the G—spot like, the G—spot is very different than the P—spot. In my— well, okay they’re very similar, but in the ideas of the way that they're penetrated in access. But the P—spot is the prostate, right. It's very simple. It's this gland that you can stimulate and if you have a penis and a prostate, it can feel really great. If you have a G—spot however, it's not a gland. It's a collection of things. But we've just named it a G—spot. So it's like a mystery place that someone will have to just press like a button. And it's like no, that's not how your body works. It's not this like, you know, hidden spot that you have to just press right and it works. Like it's a collection of like glands and muscles and sensitive nerve tissue.

[00:31:24] And it's not a one, you know, one way fits all. There’s a way to like have a sacredness and there's a way to have a ritual around using your sex toys. Like I know people that like have a whole evening with their toy. And they'll like keep their toy in a special place and they’ll wash it before and they'll put music on and light a candle and they’ll like have a moment of meditation holding their toy up to their chest and like breathing through their chakras and envisioning... You can do that. Or, you can also just have like a bullet vibe that you just grab when you're turned on and you just use it and go. Like there's different ways of doing it, but I don't think we should start creating hierarchies because, like I said, the whole idea between I feel like my work and your work is to break down those hierarchies and just be like, “Hey, who are you? How does your body work? What feels good? Let’s find you something that's going to bring you pleasure and let’s access that.” You know?

[00:32:28] EW: Absolutely. 100 percent. And I’m, I think that's why I like you and your work and the shop so much. Because like, we are both very much aligned with that in like huge ways.

[00:32:43] AB: Yeah I think, you know, and it takes, like you mentioned before, like when you start this kind of work or when you get into this kind of realm there’s so many like cultural ideas and ideas being passed between groups and partners and perpetuated in media. It's like, it takes a lot to like cut back all of that bullshit and basically be like, “Okay, what do people need to know? What do they not need to know? What do they need to unlearn? And like what is going to help support people's sexuality?” You know and like giving people rules and regulations about pleasure is not going to help.

[00:33:25] Like it just doesn't, it doesn't help anybody except maybe it makes you look like you have some special secret that nobody else has. But that's not the point. I'm not trying to be like a guru. I'm trying to be like, “Hey here's your information that everybody should have.” We all have this information and we're trying to give it to people so they can feel comfortable with themselves. And it's really, it's really interesting because I feel like we do live in a society that perpetuates like that lack of self—esteem and self—confidence to like sell us stuff.

[00:34:02] EW: Mmhmm.

[00:34:03] AB: And so it's like how can I empower people to find products that work for them as opposed to like make people feel like they’re lesser and have to get something to fill that void. That’s not— I'm not trying to fill a void. I’m trying to like enhance what's already there.

[00:34:22] EW: Yeah. I love that. I love that.

[00:34:24] AB: It’s just like I see too much of that. And like yeah I probably still feed into it sometimes now. It's like you see advertisements and marketing and you're just like, “God why aren’t I skinnier? Why isn't my skin like a baby's butt? Like why isn't—” Like, you know? And it’s just, it’s like because I'm just not that. I'm not built like that. And like that's okay. Like find something that does work for you. 

[ BREAK WITH EV’YAN ]

[00:35:13] EW: Hey, so around this time is when I usually give you a little ad. Either about a project I'm working on, or ways you can work with me personally and take your sexual liberation journey to the next level. But I wanted to do something a little different today. I want to give big, big love and massive thanks to every single beautiful woman and femme and man who took the Sensual Selfie Challenge with me last week. It was a beautiful, incredible experience. One that I am still having a hard time putting into words. And it was all thanks to your magic and sensual space taking.

[00:35:55] Just to give you an update, and maybe to brag a little bit, we had close to four thousand people who took the challenge with us. Four thousand! Which basically quadrupled the amount of people I had the time before. It's so clear to me that taking up space with our sensual bodies and celebrating our sexuality is needed. It’s necessary. So many of us crave to have our softness shared and witnessed in a safe, intentional way. And I feel so honored and privileged to have been the one to instigate and hold space for all of you during those five special days.

[00:36:38] And if you have no idea what I'm talking about or just want to relive the magic, check out the hashtag Sensual Selfie Challenge on Instagram. And if you'd like to be clued in on when the next round of the Sensual Selfie Challenge is coming up, sign up to my newsletter to get updates and also inspiration for your radiant sexuality. Just go to sex love liberation dot com slash newsletter to get on the list. This is where I'll be announcing when the Sensual Selfie Challenge is coming back. And best believe it will be back. But for now thank you for taking up space with me. We started a revolution and I'm immensely proud that you were a part of it. Thank you. 

[ INTERVIEW WITH AMY BOYAJIAN ]

[00:37:34] EW: Well on that note, as a way to subvert all of those stupid fuck ass messages that have told us that your sexual liberation is on a hierarchy, and pleasure and orgasm is on a hierarchy, what I would love to hear from you is like some favorite sex toys that you have in your shop that has been lighting your world up. And also like people who, I guess patronize your shop, really really love too. So like give us— give us some favorites. Like what are, what is your favorite vibrator right now? What is your favorite dildo right now? Butt plug, like I want to hear all of it.

[00:38:09] AB: So I'm a little bit of a power queen. I definitely have like loved my magic wand ever since I got it years and years ago. But I'm definitely into like trying to have more variety in my toys and my tools that I use. So whenever I'm like talking about toys for like people who are new or whether they're looking for something where they want to explore, I always think variety is the best way to go. So like get a toy with a bunch of different speeds, or a toy that you can use internally or externally, or something you can use by yourself or with your partner. If I'm thinking about my vibrator choice, currently I'm really into a toy called Noje G Slim. It sounds like a weird rap name, I know.

[00:38:59] EW: Yes it does.

[00:39:04] AB: But it’s this new, it’s the newest toy from this Noje line from a company called Blush and it's a super powerful toy, but it’s only forty dollars. That's another thing too. Like, if you want to spend two, three hundred dollars on a sex toy, great. But if you want to spend 40 dollars, I still want you to have a really good toy. So this is super powerful, has a bunch of different speeds on it, but what I really like about it— if I describe the shape, it has a long asymmetrical body and it has kind of a curved bulb at the end so it's really great for a G—spot or P—spot stimulation. But you can use it for it external play, and it's skinny enough to like slip between bodies during partnered sex. So it kind of covers like all of those bases. Plus it comes in like a range of different colors. It's really nice to have a sex toy that's green. Or, you know, we see a lot of purples and pinks but it also comes in like a sage color which is nice. So I love that. Plus it’s rechargeable, you can use in the shower.

[00:40:09] EW: Nice.

[00:40:10] AB: It's like, I'm like, take your toys with you everywhere you go. On all your dates, on all your vacations, so I really like that one. I'm really into recommending progressive kits to people. So plugs that come in kits with like a few different sizes. Mostly for people who are like not very versed with putting things in their butt because it like gives you— it gives you a way to work at your own pace. I think sometimes it's like, if you're not used to interacting with your butt aside from when you're like going to the bathroom, you don't really know what your butt is capable of. Or like you don’t know how your sphincter can stretch or what's comfortable for you. Like some people like having a toy that has a really wide neck so you can feel that stretch continuously while it's in there. Some people prefer like the end of the toy to be bulbus because they like that feeling of being full.

[00:41:11] So getting something that has like a small, medium, large I think is a really great idea. Because then you can just be like, okay I'm just going to keep this small one for a while and then you might feel more comfortable and you can progress. Or maybe you stay at the small, but you have those options right there instead of being like, oh I ordered a toy, I tried it once and I realized it was too small so now I have to go buy another one. You know so it's like have that kit available and you can switch it up and you know see what works.

[00:41:40] We have 3 different progressive kits from a brand called Luxe and they're all pretty cute. Like some of them are— one is called the Rump Rimmer Kit. There’s all these names that I have to remember. One is called the Rump Rimmer Kit and that's super fun because it's like, just has a wider neck so you get to feel that stretch. And then there's one that's called like a Bling Kit and it has like little jewels on the end. Which is like, if you want like a cute little jewel in your butt, which you know some people love. It can look really like appealing in photos and to your partner. And then there's another one that looks like little diamonds. So it's all really like trying to be less intimidating, especially when you're like new to putting things in your butt.

[00:42:30] EW: Nice.

[00:42:31] AB: Also, anything to do with butt stuff, I always remind people that the anus is not a self—lubricating part of the body, so lube is a must. So if you're using a silicone butt plug, which is what most butt plugs are made from, it’s kind of like a softer material that's non—porous, you're going to want to use a water based lube. And I recommend a lube called the Sliquid Sassy. It's thicker. It's like a gel so it lasts longer. You will, your body will naturally absorb some of the lubricant. So if you have a thicker one it will hang out a little bit longer.

[00:43:06] EW: Perfect. This is great. I'm like taking all the notes.

[00:43:11] AB: My favorite dildo at the moment, I probably wouldn't say it’s like a beginner if you're a newbie to it, but I am obsessed with it. It's a Fun Factory Bouncer, is the name. How it works is from the outside it looks like a pretty standard dildo except it has like these, instead of like a straight shaft, it has like kind of like little bulbous mounds going all the way down it. But when you pick it up you really notice the difference. There’s actually three balls inside of the dildo itself so every movement that you make with it, whether you're like using it in a harness or just holding it in your hand, it's kind of exaggerated.

[00:43:51] EW: Hmm.

[00:43:52] AB: Imagine like there is three independent things moving around inside of the dildo, so it's like kind of like rocking with your motion, right.

[00:44:06] EW: Oh. Ohhhh.

[00:44:07] AB: Kind of like it exaggerates the sensation in the direction that you're pushing it in. It adds like a little bit more weight, which is really nice if you just want like a new sensation. Or maybe you don't have like very strong wrists or a very strong grip with your fingers so it's really nice to like have the dildo do a little bit of the work. That's probably my favorite dildo at the moment.

[00:44:30] EW: Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing all of that and I have— I just like— that's another thing that has like kept me off of or away from sex shops, whether that's in a physical space or a digital space, is that there's so many goddamn sex toys. Like, you don't know where to start.

[00:44:51] AB: Yeah, it can be like, you know coming from the direction of like, oh I could carry all of these. It can be appealing at times to be like, I’m going to carry all of this stuff to give more variety. But sometimes with more variety, like it's even harder to make a choice. So I feel like if I give more variety of the same kind of thing it's actually giving people less choice because they get overwhelmed.

[00:45:17] EW: Yes.

[00:45:18] AB: Like it’s already an overwhelming topic to begin with. So I try to like keep things pretty simple and if things are generally the same I try to think like, OK which one do I like more? Is there a difference between price? Is there a difference between quality? Texture? Colors? Like what— which one is better. Because I don't want to keep stocking like multiple things of the same. Like, a lot of stores you go on and it's just like catalogs. It's just like 18 pages of like—

[00:45:45] EW: Yes

[00:45:46] AB: You know, butt plugs. You’re like, which one do I pick? Like I have no idea. And they're all like basically the same but slightly different, you know?

[00:45:54] EW: Right.

[00:45:55] AB: So I try to pick things that are like great quality but also like what is the best in that category. Like if I’m going to have, you know, one toy. I'm like, I only carry three wands and they all have different— they’re all very different because I don't want to like overwhelm people.

[00:46:17] EW: Yeah, which is so appreciated.

[00:46:19] AB: Also it's like, if you really think about— if I have no idea about something and I'm making a choice between one and the other, I'm going to make the choice based off something silly like the color or how pretty something is, you know? Not like if it's actually going to meet my needs necessarily because I might not understand if it's going to. So I try to like keep things like, oh if you want something that's like rechargeable, this is the category. If you want something that's like under 50 dollars, this is the category. Instead of being like, oh well this and this is basically the same, because it's just it's too confusing.

[00:46:56] EW: Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad that you have that like as an ethos. Because, yeah, it can be so confusing. So overwhelming. And you're right, you know, like being in a sex shop, being on a sex shop website, can be like really intense already. So I love that you're doing all of these things to make the experience way more comfortable for people and just like— like it helps just take the charge out of it, you know?

[00:47:22] AB: Yeah. And if I have to memorize all the names, and if I— I actually have a couple hundred things already and I've got it down, but woah. I couldn't imagine like— and then I would just feel like disingenuine if people were like, oh well what's your favorite this? And I can't even think about like every single option that we have.

[00:47:40] EW: Right.

[00:47:41] AB: You know? I want to be like, okay I know every dildo we have and what you're looking for will probably be this one. So I can make like an educated decision as opposed to like, what's the first one to come to mind. I want to like know what we have, know what we're carrying. Know that like, you know, and then I can— if I can see all the items, you know, I'm sitting in a room with them all right now. I can be like, okay. I can revisit them and be like, is this the best butt plug we have? Is this the best vibrator for this kind of need? So then I can like reassess things too. And like I take things off and add things all the time because I'm trying to like make it a more curated collection. Plus when you're like not carrying toys that are skin colored, when you're not carrying hyper realistic toys, and when you have a high ethical standard for your companies, you've probably got about, and carrying body safe toys, you've probably taken, out of like 100 percent of the market, I probably only operate with about 10 to 15 percent. Body safe toys make up only 30 percent of the sex toy industry.

[00:48:54] EW: Wow that is incredible. Wow.

[00:48:58] AB: When you've deciphered that and then you think, okay who's ethical? Who's like, you know, keeping up to these high standards? Then you split that in half again. And then when you're like okay I'm not carrying hyper realistic or like potentially racist toys. And then you split that in half again. And so like my selection is really really refined but I kind of like that because then I'm not having to like sift through all of this crap basically.

[00:49:25] EW: Yeah. Ah, thank you. Thank you so much for that. And thank you so much for being on the podcast and for telling us all about the magical work you do. I am— I love everything that you do and I love what you stand for. And I just, I really appreciate the work that you're doing to demystify and even like unfuck the sex toy industry.

[00:49:52] AB: Honestly, same to you. Like I— I have so much love for you. I know that we like—

[00:49:56] EW: Aww.

[00:49:57]: AB: I feel like we— like I invited you to the Wild Flower thing and we had never really met before and it was just like— I just get your vibe. Like you just like, I know where you're coming from and I understand where you're coming from and I also understand like how difficult it is when you're trying to like, trying to make a change in people's lives and trying to teach them how to unlearn a lot of habits. And like really concentrate on themselves. And it's just— you do really essential difficult work.

[00:50:34]: EW: Thank you.

[00:50:35] AB: It's not easy. It is not easy.

[00:50:37] EW: No, it’s not.

[00:50:38] AB: But it's interesting because sometimes, like sometimes I'm like, oh this should be simple. Like this should just be a simple thing to like explore. But there’s so many different layers, so many different beliefs and so many things you need to break down that like it actually, like even if something’s simple, doesn't mean it's easy.

[00:50:56] EW: Right. Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

[00:51:03] AB: I'm so glad to like know you as a professional and know you as a friend and I was so happy when you asked me to be a part of this podcast.

[00:51:09] EW: Yaaay. Oh it's so good. Thank you for all of that and thank you so much for being here. Tell people where they can find you, the shop.

[00:51:20] AB: So we have our website at wildflowersex.com. There you can find the store. We have an education page. We have a blog page. We also have a sex Q and A. So not only do we have the products available but a lot of ways you can interact with us. We also are on Instagram. So you can find us at @WildFlowersex. And yeah. Comment, follow us, chat with us, be part of the community, send messages. I read and try to respond to everything.

[00:51:57] And that's really what we try to do is like include everyone. So if you have questions, if you, you know, have comments or anything like just be part of the conversation. I want to get to a point where like sex is not a big deal. That's the goal, right?

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[00:52:24] EW: The Sexually Liberated Woman is produced, edited and designed by me, Ev’Yan Whitney, with editing help by Justine McLellen and community support from each one of my very special patrons on Patreon. If you love The Sexually Liberated Woman I'd love it if you left me a review on Apple podcasts. And if you want to help sustain The Sexually Liberated Woman, go to patreon.com/slwpodcast and become a patron. I would love that too.

[00:52:56] EW: As for me, you can find me on my website, Sex Love Liberation dot com where you can subscribe to my newsletter and learn more about my work as a sexuality dula. I'm also on Instagram @evyan.whitney.

Thank you so much for being here and I'll see you in the next episode.